Cynthia Bodice Investigates

Roving reporter Cynthia Bodice is always crashing around Gumtree Gully in her beat up old Ford, sticking her nose into everybody’s business.  Here are her latest findings:





 Farmer's Wife has Zipper Nightmares

Mrs Henry Fiddle-Stick of Cowpat Rd reports that since her husband starting getting old last month, he seems to be forgetting things, mainly to do with zippers.  One day he emerged from the toilet with his zip not quite done up, the next day it was half open, and pretty soon there was nothing left to the imagination.  She worries about what will happen next, and wonders if she should make him one of those smocks that country folk used to wear, just in case one day he forgets to put his pants on and frightens the sheep.

Naked Juggling Proves Hazardous

A 27 year old man of no fixed abode was rushed to Mt Puddin Hospital in a critical condition after police found him nude and unconscious beneath a tree in Dingley, with four oranges and a partly eaten apple. Police speculate that he fell out of the tree while trying to juggle the oranges while naked and eating the apple, for the amusement of his imaginary friends.

Crumbs!  It's the Collector of the Year Award

This year the Gumtree Gully Collector of the Year award goes to Gargantua Frenzy, housewife of the village of Limpness.  Gargantua collects crumbs, and always carries a dustpan and broom wherever she goes, in case somebody drops some. "I've got all kinds of crumbs," she says, "cake crumbs, cookies, toast - toast is great for crumbs!  Sometimes I make toast and then smash it, just for the crumbs."  Gargantua has two spare bedrooms and a large garden shed full of her crumb collection, and her husband has left her.  Last year's winner, Ziggy Prank of Toomankan, who has a collection of 239 cars with no engines, said he greatly admires Gargantua's work.

Cashews Deemed Dangerous for Older Folks

Harold Numbat, 92 year old fence-maker and sheep rustler of Yorkey's Knob, is renowned for the ongoing fitness and energy of his ageing body.  But recently his ageing brain let him down and left him in an embarrassing situation.  Harold was eating some cashews and putting his hearing aids in at the same time, when disaster struck - he put a hearing aid in his mouth instead of a nut, and chomped on it.  First he had to explain the situation to a young lady at his insurance company, who could be heard snickering on the other end of the phone, then he took the smashed hearing aid to the local audiologist, who laughed uproariously at the story, and reminded Harold what a 'silly old fart' he is.  Harold's new hearing aid will be ready to collect in a couple of weeks, but first Harold will have to go to the hospital to have the cashew removed from his left ear.

Enormous Bra Found in Miller's Bend

An enormous bra was found just outside the deli in Miller's Bend last Saturday evening. The off white 62EEE bra with contoured cups and reinforced hooks was discovered at approximately 11:30pm by a pair of Mt Puddin Community College students. One of the students, with blue hair and a chain going from his ear to his lip, said 'Hey man and that, Kirsty and me were coming back from a rock concert in the big smoke, when hey man, I said to K, what's that, dude, cool, it looks like some humungus bra, we'd better tell the pigs, man'. Mt Puddin police say they have few leads in the case. 'Unfortunately we have more questions than answers,' said Sergeant Dirk Doofus. 'Where did this bra come from, who does it belong to, how did it get on to the street, and what sort of breasts would require a bra of this magnitude?'  Police are currently looking for leads at laundromats and have provided local shops and the media with sketches of the underwear.

Cynthia Bodice Investigates

Roving reporter Cynthia Bodice is always crashing around Gumtree Gully in her beat up old Ford, sticking her nose into everybody’s business.  Here are her latest findings:



Old Guy's Slippers Confiscated by Spouse

Henry Fiddle-Stick of Cowpat Road got some new slippers recently, $10 at the Kmart.  But they fit him so well, he kept forgetting he had them on, and was always wearing them to bed, and going outside in them.  Once he drove half way to his grand-daughter's wedding before he realized he was wearing them, and said, 'Oh bugger it,' and kept driving.  But walking around outside in slippers is not advisable in a horse, chicken and sheep infested area like Cowpat Road, especially for people who don't look where they're going.  Henry's wife was having fits every time he came in the house depositing several varieties of poo everywhere, including in the bed, and Henry became a slippered fixture at the hardware store, telling all and sundry that there's no need for his wife to get her knickers in a twist.  One day Henry's slippers mysteriously disappeared.  Henry is still searching for them, and his wife consistently denies the rumours about them being buried in the neighbour's compost heap.  Investigations continue.

Tomato Squasher Loses Job

30 year old Fripple Drain of  Swamp Court, Puddlepool, recently tried working for a living, when her mother threatened to throw her out. 'So I got a job at the spaghetti canning factory', said Fripple, 'but it was like horrible, man!  I had to like shove these tomatoes into the tins with the spag and it was major gross!  I was supposed to wear these kinky little like rubbery glove things, but man they were all slippery and weird and not cool at all.  Anyway, I got fired - it wasn't my fault that I kept sneezing into the tins, and like how was I supposed to know that some of my ciggy butts fell in?  I couldn't see anything for all the squashed tomatoes everywhere!  Nobody eats that crap anyway, right?'



Posh Persons' Cover Blown

Trombone Stink-Hankie Jr and his wife Loose Lucy Lou Stink-Hankie of Cowpat Road think they're posh with their made up double-barreled name and designer chickens.  But they're actually a couple of bums.

Shoplifter Calls Foul

Morticia Flap, shoplifter of Millers Bend, has set a record for being banned from every shop in the town. 'It's not fair,' she complained, 'How am I supposed to eat if they won't let me in to steal stuff?'  Hardware store owner Mambo Scratch, when asked to comment, said, 'I banned her years ago when she tried to walk out of the store with a whole roll of barbed wire in one of my wheelbarrows.  Since then I've caught her five times trying to sneak in the back door.  She's a menace.'  Morticia attempts to make a living as a starving artist, but so far she's only got the 'starving' part down pat, producing woefully inadequate creations that nobody in their right mind would call 'art'.  Her best work to date, 'self portrait with burnt pizza', says it all.

Beer Shortage Threatens

Sixty bottles of beer were brewed recently by Mr and Mrs Fred Sprinkle of Scudley Downs, but incredibly, only three bottles can now be found.  Fred and his wife  Freda have no idea where the others have gone, and believe a robbery has been perpetrated, possibly while they were out on the verandah drinking beer.  Ironically, a large box full of empty beer bottles has mysteriously appeared in a kitchen cupboard.  Investigations continue.

Cynthia Bodice Investigates

Roving reporter Cynthia Bodice is always crashing around Gumtree Gully in her beat up old Ford, sticking her nose into everybody’s business.  Here are her latest findings:




  Cynthia Learns a Lesson

The Mt Puddin high school is using a driving simulator to teach kids that distractions while driving can be dangerous.  Cynthia Bodice was on hand to watch while several students took turns behind the wheel of the simulator, and discovered that texting, phoning, writing stupid Facebook messages, rolling joints, having sex and taking selfies tended to take their attention away from the road.  "Gosh, who would have thought?" said Cynthia, and on her way home she ran her car into a tree while using her smart phone as a mirror while putting her lipstick on while driving through a roundabout.  "Wow!  It's true!" she declared.

Greenhouse Stolen from Old Guy

Old Henry Fiddle-Stick of Cowpat Road recently decided to relocate his small plastic greenhouse, so he took everything out of it, and then had to lie down for awhile.  After a particularly windy night, he went outside the next morning to make sure the greenhouse hadn't fallen over, and was horrified to see that it had completely disappeared.  Reeling with the shock, he called the police to report the heinous theft.  But while he was on the phone, his wife spotted the missing structure, wedged sideways in a tree, rather like a big box kite gone astray. 'How did that happen?' he asked in bewilderment.  Investigations continue.

Snake Alert 

The residents of Winsome Ridge were thrown into turmoil recently when a deadly Brown Snake, which should have been hibernating for the winter, was spotted lurking, wide awake, behind a rock near Murray Bridge, only 40kms away.  Pepper the cat refused to go outside for days, and all four chooks huddled on top of the chook house, holding their skirts up.  The sheep (Maisie, Peter, Riley, Myrtle and Charlie), having nowhere to hide, hopped around in concentric circles, hoping to make the snake dizzy.  Fortunately, nobody was harmed, and the snake was last seen sleeping quietly in a creek bed near Alice Springs.




Cat Dies in Election Tragedy 

In a survey of one hundred people in Mt Puddin, regarding the candidates for the upcoming US presidential election, ninety said they couldn't give a stuff who becomes the next leader of the free world as long as Australia's current Pigheaded Maniac, sorry, we meant to say Prime Minister,  is voted out of office and preferably banished from our shores at the first opportunity. Nine people said 'Who?' and 'Where?',  and one old lady said 'Piss off' and trod on a cat.


Tell Somebody Who Cares, Sally 

Gumtree Gully's only known lesbian, 32 year old Sally Slimline, unemployed of Rodent Road, said in the supermarket yesterday, 'I am honestly looking for a witty, sincere, charming, good looking, thoughtful, issue free and less feminine woman than myself to associate with, and there are none to be found.  Where are they, I ask myself, mostly at night as I cry into my lonely pillow."  But nobody was listening.

Cynthia Bodice Investigates

Roving reporter Cynthia Bodice is always crashing around Gumtree Gully in her beat up old Ford, sticking her nose into everybody’s business.  Here are her latest findings:

Mayor Accidently Meets People
The well known Mayor of Mt Puddin, Harvey Hardcastle, considered by many sycophantic councillors to be the most important person in the town and possibly the world, walked through the main street last week drawing the attention of our investigative reporter Cynthia Bodice. The Mayor was heard to say in a grand tone, 'It’s nothing to get excited about, I’m just going to the butcher for some snags.' He was however, obviously pleased to be recognised by Doris the local bag lady, Bert the town drunk, and three other unknowns.

Millers Bend Woman Visits Shops
We have just heard from a reliable source, who prefers to be anonymous, that a divorced agnostic woman living in the township of Millers Bend, has placed numerous cards in the local shop windows. The advertisements are for a tall, good looking man under thirty years of age who is willing to support her and her four children, (plus the one who will be getting out of jail soon).  He must not gamble or smoke, but he should be a good cook. She does not offer any companionship, sexual enticements, nor domestic activity in return, but her ad does include a recent photo of her, which she had to draw herself because her camera is broken. So far she has received no replies and is quite puzzled about the lack of response. 


Bums inYorkey’s Knob Under Siege
Yorkey’s Knob, a delightful hills mining township which the state government deserted when the minerals ran out, has recently run out of toilet paper. The Mayor of Mt Puddin has declared a local state of emergency and has had Council table napkins, paper towels, party favours and funny balloon animals - leftovers of which are in abundance after the recent council election celebrations - rushed to Yorkey’s Knob. A tentative offer of further help has been made, but more supplies will not be available until after the next batch of councillors’ birthday parties.

Local Plumber Reveals All
A local plumber, who lives in the historic township of Puddlepool and who has asked to be unnamed, has declared to Cynthia Bodice that pornography is not more interesting than plumbing, and that what some people in his neighbourhood are saying about him is just not true.  Cynthia has taken a strong interest in the case, and is rigorously trying to find out what they’re saying.

Cat calls strike over cheese shortage –
chickens consider their position
Pepper the cat has gone on strike, and angrily refuses to resume doing whatever it is she usually does until her demand for a 50g a day cheese ration is met.  Management, a.k.a. Linda, insists that there isn’t enough cheese to satisfy such a ridiculous ambit claim.  “If we start giving the cat all the cheese she wants, there wouldn’t be any left for us humans,” she declared, munching on a freshly baked cheese puff.  A deadlock ensued, and Pepper was next seen in a huddle with the chickens, who also like cheese and are now considering strike action of their own.  Facing a potential egg crisis, Management instantly got a headache.  “If the chooks go out on strike too, Sunday Big Breakfasts and angel cakes will be a thing of the past, but if we cave in, we’ll be faced with a severe shortage of grilled cheese sandwiches,” she nervously explained to Industrial Relations reporter, Cynthia Bodice.  Negotiations continue.